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Funny 1 Funny 2 Funny 3 Funny 4 Funny 5
Funny 6 Funny 7 Funny 8 Funny 9 Funny 10 Funny 11
Funny 12 Funny 13 Funny 14 What happened to Elvis?
Game Home
A pirate walked
into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What
happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean? I'm fine."
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannonball hit
my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both
hands."
"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and
my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you
were in here you had both eyes."
"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and
one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just
from some bird crap!"
"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has
a cork in his arse.
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your arse?".
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over
a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban
came oozing out, he said 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you
one wish',
Then I said, 'No shit!'"
Desert Island Blues
There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended
up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.
There were only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for
a couple of years, doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really
bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys
was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and
after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course. Well,
a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely
horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried her.
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a
small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani
accent say, "You foreigners Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals
I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great
desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the sex hero he was.
The husband asked the man, "how could sandals make you into a
sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see
for yourself?"
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded
to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this
wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years
-- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the
Pakistani man, threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's
pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE
THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"
A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem,
doc".
"Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average
day".
"Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always
wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock
so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".
"Oh I see", said the doc.
"No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get
on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment
to ourselves and have sex all the way there".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack.
"No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work
my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack.
"No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this
dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".
"Now I understand", said the patient doctor.
"No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to
work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add,
has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack".
" Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..".
"No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home
my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner
and then we have sex afterwards".
"What's your problem?". asked the doc.
"Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw
it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One
is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When
we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes
in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender
says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his
eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine.
I've just quit drinking."
Quickie Koala
A koala bear was approached by a prostitute. Since he had never been
with one before, he was curious and excited. They spent the night
together in a hotel, and he went down on her the next morning one
last time before departing.
As he was heading for the door, the prostitute yelled, "Hey, what
about my money?"
The koala turned, gave her a puzzled look and shrugged his shoulders
and reached for the door to go.
Well, the prostitute needs to get paid for her work just like anybody
else, so she asked again, and again the koala bear had a look of puzzlement
on his face.
The prostitute, having a flash of brilliance, said, "Come here," and
pulled a dictionary out of the dresser drawer. She pointed to the
word "prostitute" and read its definition:"Has sex for money."
Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to
the word "koala" and showed her its definition: "Eats bushes and leaves."
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was
told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven
right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated
on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven
would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the
next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price
to pay for an eternity in heaven.
So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As
he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was
with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached
Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I
cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot
of money...even more then you did."
They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long
as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together
to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along,
minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that
they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely
drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos
approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked
him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck
with these god-awful women.
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining.
This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,)
and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look
forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.
After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself,
"Damn income taxes!"
One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local
Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive
woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt,
and high heels.
As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but
found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the
required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches
behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little
and then tries again.
Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she
reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile,
she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment,
she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation
and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down.
To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step. Finally,
a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts
her up, and places her on the bus.
The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think
you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!"
Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am,
after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and
put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell
into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see
a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink.
As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said,
"I'm about to have dinner.There's plenty; would you like to join
me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the
evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous
evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every
man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."
Three worst Chinese torture tests known to man: A man is out in the
Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three
weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's
been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he
comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most
of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However,
he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost
down to the ground.
The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't
had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious
if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition:
You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise
I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning"
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then
I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to
man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides,
he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness
all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering),
he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl,
and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many
months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional
monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their
eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck
into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the
noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that
night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be
worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his
chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest.
On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 50 kg
rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as
he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and
threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying
"2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed,
jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third
sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: LEFT testicle tied
to bedpost".
Irishman trying to learn golf and having a terrible time of it.
"I'd give just about anything to get this right!" he says
aloud.
Straight on the Devil appears and says "Anything?"
"Well, short of selling my soul, yes."
"How about giving up sex for the rest of your life?"
"Done and done!"
He finishes the game in rare good form and rumor of his deal spreads
thru the clubhouse. One of the members, a reporter, see a story here
and asks him, "Sir, is it true you made a deal with the Devil
to become a great golfer?"
"True, enough."
"And you gave up sex as your part of the bargain?"
"True again!"
"And may I have your name, sir?"
"Certainly. Father Mike O'Ryan."
One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says,"Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same,
but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead? A: The sex is the same,
but you get the remote.
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