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13 Funny 14 What happened to Elvis?
Game Home
It's a beautiful,
warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing
a cute loose-fitting,pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal
jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning.
As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.
Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended). He jumps up on the bars, and
holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand.
He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife
teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her
bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited making
noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps
fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he
says... This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips.
Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in
with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar.
He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there
quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry
American Indian approached him and said:
"Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll smash your face in!"
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty
early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to
wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into
bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down
to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a
splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got
dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist,
"I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's
your sex life, buddy?"
The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she
loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating. "
The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but
I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of
steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all
excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!"
The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that."
The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on
with the starter pistol?"
The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were
having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody
starter pistol, just like you said."
The first guy says, " So??? What happened?"
The other guy says, "She bit my cock, pooped on my face, and a naked man came out of
the closet with his hands up! "
What women say, and what they really mean...
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. ... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE. ... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? I can't believe you have nothing planned.
I LIKE YOU, BUT... I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU. ... just not in that way.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. ...I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you
will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. ...I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was
also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a
skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water
and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.
Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house,
he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
"Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful
your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would
gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She
pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and
ask our friend to step inside.
"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my
wife's breasts."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last.
Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total
ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
"I can't." replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars!"
Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are. The first mouse
slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am. I spot a trap and
go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and
before it can close I'm outa there!" and he tosses down another shot.
The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough? When I find a
pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine." With that he throws down
another shot and slams his shotglass on the bar.
The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for
himself. He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His
buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?"
The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to screw
the cat."
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which
the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for
this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender,
"You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding
contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink.
But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you
doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my
life!"
The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a
double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and
ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was
wrong.
"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband
wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop doing his wife."
"So stop!" the barkeep said.
"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The jerk didn't
sign his name!"
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a
haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before
I get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I
can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and
half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy
and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing
hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
A guy goes to a bar and sees a big jar of 5 dollar bills in it. He asks the bartender
"Whats with the money?"
The bartender replies "We're having a contest. You have to put in 5 dollars in the
jar. Then you have to complete 3 tasks. If you pass, you get all the money in the
jar"
"Ah what the hell. Lets give it a try." says the man, and puts the five dollars
in the jar.
"First" says the bartender, "you have to drink a large glass of tequila
without making a face. Second, there is a vicious rottweiler outside with a sore tooth.
You have to pull out the sore tooth. Third, upstairs there is an old woman who has never
had sex in her life. You have to have sex with her. Ok?"
"Fine" says the man.
The bartender gives him the glass of tequila. The man drinks the whole thing without
making a face. Now drunk, he goes outside. The bartender heares lots of yelling and
barking. when the man comes back, he is all shredded up.
He asks "Ok, wheres the woman with the sore tooth?"
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two
female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitues. 'Want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two
male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your
parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise
and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female
parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and
praying in their cage.The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and
the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads
away, brother. Our prayers have been answered"!
A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar,
so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink
this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying
myself every night!"
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar
opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What
time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins
at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room
service send something up to you."
"No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!"
These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles` club and talking about another guy
sitting at the other end of the bar.
"I don`t get it," complained the first guy, "He`s not good looking, he has
absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always
manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"
"Yeah," replies his buddy, "He`s not even a very good conversationalist,
all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."
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