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Funny 12 Funny
13 Funny 14 What happened to Elvis?
Game Home
A guy gets put into
a nursing home by his son. He doesn't know if he's going to like it at first, but he
decides to give it a shot for his son's sake.
The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard-on. Out of nowhere, a
beautiful nurse walks in, kneels down, and blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone to his son and says, "Son! I love this place! Thank you so
much for putting me in this nursing home!"
The son says, "Wow, Pop. You sound really happy. What happened?"
The old man says, " You won't believe it. I woke up this morning with a hard-on, and
the most beautiful nurse I've ever seen in my life came into my room and blew me. Didn't
say a word. Just blew me."
"Well, that sounds great, Dad. Congratulations."
"Well, thank you, Son," the old man says, and hangs up the phone.
Later that day, the old man is walking down the hall in his walker. He slips and falls and
can't get up. A big hillbilly orderly comes up to him, rips his pants down, fucks him up
the ass, and leaves him lying there in a heap.
The old man crawls to a phone and calls his son. "You gotta get me out of here, Son.
This place is nuts!"
"What happened, Pop? You sound terrible!" says the son.
"Well, I was walking with my walker and fell down and couldn't get up. Then this big
hillbilly orderly came by, ripped my pants down, and fucked me up the ass!"
"Well, you know, Dad," says the son. "You got a blow job this morning. You
gotta take the good with the bad..."
"No, you don't understand, Son!" exclaims the old man. "I only get a
hard-on once a month! I fall down three, four times a day!"
A father charges into the bathroom and starts yelling at his son "Son! How many times
have I told you not to do that? Stop it! If you keep doing that, you'll go blind!"
The son replies: "I'm over here, Dad."
Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of
all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."
"Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionize the game
of hockey!"
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around,
scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's
quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite
itchy.
The teacher has him go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what
he should do about it.
He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a
general commotion at the back of the room.
Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom," she says.
"I did," he says, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school."
A man comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He
rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes
up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no
clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming
wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked,
cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You bonehead!," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and
you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him
home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car,
he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and,
he falls down four more times.
They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"
The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"
A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"That will be one ruble," says the bartender.
"One ruble!" the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty
kopeks!"
"Well," replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty
kopecs for the perestroika."
Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender
gives him back fifty kopecs and says,
"We are out of beer."
A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop.
The dad says, "I'll have a chocolate." The wife says, "I'll have a
vanilla."
Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says, "What do you want fat
head?"
The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him
fat head?"
The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants:
The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting there
(outside) that's my nice truck!!!
The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on
top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my big house!!!
The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy, and I had that until fat head
came along!!!"
Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of
honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult
to the royal family.
Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to
corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane.
But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the
guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
Mrs. Mueller is first.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because
the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she
receives a few blows.
Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the
lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the
pillows.
Then comes Mueller himself.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"
"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as
long as they are reasonable."
"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that
is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"
"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR
THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the
WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator
out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a
woman up-stairs who's ever had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.
Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink
a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there. Well, as time goes
on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears
streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the
most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar,
his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Its the first day back after the holidays for the primary ones (First Graders), and the
teacher decides to ask each of the children to tell a small story about their fathers.
So the teacher points to little Katy and asks, "Katy, what does your Daddy work
as?"
And Katy replies "My Daddy's an aircraft pilot, and he flies people all over the
world and makes them very happy."
The teacher then asks little David what his Daddy does.
"My daddy is a postman, Miss, and he delivers letters and parcels to people sent from
all over the place, and he makes people happy."
The teacher turn to little Susan and is about to ask the same question as the others, but
Susan suddenly bursts into tears. The teacher rushes over to console her. "What's
wrong Susan?"
"My daddy is dead, Miss" she replies.
"Aww.... I didn't know that. I'm so sorry"
"It's ok" she choked out, through tears.
"So tell me Susan, what did your father do before he died?"
"He shit the bed and turned blue, Miss"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a
drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
" I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another
round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.
Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another
drink to Dublin!"
The men both continue drinking. Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What
school did you go to?"
"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I
graduated in '62, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been
going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk
again."
A couple is out for a drive one day and the husband is behind the wheel.
As he's driving, he's complaining about everything..... the heat, the long drive, the bad
drivers, the country, the bad drivers in the country, etc etc, ... and he's driving his
wife crazy at the same time with his depressing talk.
So his wife says to him, "One more complaint and I'll cut your dick off with my Swiss
Army knife......".
That got his attention, so he stopped. But about half an hour later, he starts complaining
again and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices off his penis and
throws it out the window.
Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three.... husband, wife and their 8 year
old daughter. The penis suddenly lands on their car's windscreen leaving the father in an
absolute panic, as he doesn't want his daughter to see it. So he puts the windshield
wipers on to get the dick off and out of his daughter's view.
The daughter asks, "Daddy, what was that??"
Her father, still in a panic, replies, " Oh it was only a...uh...butterfly my
dear."
The daughter says, "Well FUCK ME! Did you see the size of its cock!!!!!!"
It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was trying to get to
know her students.
"What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie.
"Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.
"That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? What did
you do this summer?"
"Me and my family rode our bikes together."
"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils until
she got to shy Mikey in the corner of the room.
"What did you do this summer, Mikey?"
"Nothing," the boy responded timidly.
"Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, try to draw Mikey
out.
"Yes."
"Did you go to the beach?"
"No."
"Did you ride bikes?"
"No, never!" the boy burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!"
"Why not?" said the shocked teacher.
"I don't know," explained Mikey, "but my dad says that when my mom and my
sisters are cycling together, he has to get the hell out of town."
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over
to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So
the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no."
The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney
world!"
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