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Funny 12 Funny 13 Funny 14 What happened to Elvis?
Game Home
A virgin girl gets
married to an Iowa guy and she's rather nervous about the wedding night as she's heard
that Iowa men are better endowed than most other men. She explains this to her husband who
tells her he knows how to get round the situation which is to show her his dick, bit by
bit. The wife lies in bed and sees three inches of dick come round the door.
"Are you nervous yet?" says her husband.
"No, I"m OK" she replies.
Another six inches of dick comes around the door and he says
"Are you still OK?"
"Yes" she replies.
A further foot comes around the door and she says "I"m still not nervous".
"OK," her husband replies, "I"m coming up the stairs"
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know
where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his
trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that, I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try
those on!"
He replies, "I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never will if you don't change your attitude."
There were three men talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of
control they have over their wives, while the third man remains quiet. After a while one
of the first two turns to the third and says "Well, what about you, what sort of
control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just
the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two blokes
where amazed.
"What happened then?" they asked.
"She said 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'."
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off
his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket
-- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the
front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation
to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit
card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabbie
said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell
out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch- hike to the airport and was barely in time to
catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial
success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he
went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should
he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to
give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about
how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The
businessman got in the first cab in the line,
"How much for a ride to the airport,"he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same
questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he
got in and asked
"How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok", and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past
the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and
beer for everyone who is in the bar now."
After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar.
"Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender.
"I have no money," answers the man.
The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the
street.
The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender,
"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now."
The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same
trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone.
After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar.
"Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender.
"I have no money," answers the man.
The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the
street.
One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender,
"Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."
In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"
"No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've
been such a good guy and your invention---the assembly line for the automobile--- changed
the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."
The befeathered fellow at the Gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to
God.
Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in you invention
1. there's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. the rear end wobbles too much, and
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm...." Replies God, "hold on."
God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the
result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.
"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but
according to My Computer, more men are riding my invention that yours."
Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for
drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at
the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story.
"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"
"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hitailed it back here, shoot, they
we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."
A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is
smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat
pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading. After a few minutes the guy turns to the
priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Loose living; cheap, wicked woman; too much alcohol; and contempt for your fellow
man," answers the priest.
"I'll be damned," the drunk mutters, returning to his paper. The priest,
thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. How long have you had arthritis?"
"Oh, I don't have it, Father. It says here that the Pope does."
When the new school year started the history teacher was so excited because there were
three little indian boys in her class. She was beside herself with excitement. So she asks
the first little indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how
he knows this. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his
fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Cherokee. My
Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land.
This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee".
The teacher says very good and asks the next little indian boy to stand. The little boy
stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest.
He says in a booming voice " I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons
and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land. So, I know I
am a Comanche".
The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last little indian boy to
stand up. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist
and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Fuckawee".
The teacher looks dumb founded & says "I don't think there is any such tribe as
the Fuckawee.
The little boy says "My Father & I walked for many days and many nights. And many
nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no rest, we were
getting weary. Finally, one day my Father stops and with his hand to shield the sun from
his eyes, looks around. "He said hummmm, where the Fuckawee"
A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your
best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"
"I have only fifty cents!"
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in
her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I
figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied,
"Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone
steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real
money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to party instead.
Well, as you might have guessed, they didn't get any studying done. When they went to the
test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before
due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them
that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all
night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the
next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each
shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the
first question.
"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." At this point, they both
thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.
Then, the test continued...
"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."
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