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Funny 12 Funny 13 Funny
14 What happened to Elvis?
Game Home
There
was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife
was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied
while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. (For
joke purposes, let's ignore what he might do while on his trip :-) )
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a
life-sized sex doll but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through
the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the
old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We
have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that
will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box,carved with
strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo
in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the
keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your
box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in
cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all
she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied
that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several
people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got
it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!"
The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd
ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to
pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out,
but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided
to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering
with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the
road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how
much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been
drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my
ass!"
A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politly asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
Pat was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the
wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At
last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the
churchyard.
As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow
lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came
from in the box.
Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure,
it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but
later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead.
They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next
morning, the priest said,
"Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"
More Evidence That This World Is Full Of Complete Idiots
1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he
tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously
wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a
film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial
Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that
twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room.
Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling
off a chair while watching the film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500
fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police
arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain
of whiplash injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish
economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced
to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his
girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to
see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as
he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on
his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's
lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they
thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was
working, the suspect confessed.
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash
to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so
the robber called the police and was arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a
steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought
the vehicle to a stop.
Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother superior.
"Well, how can I help you little people?" asked mother superior.
The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "Oh mother superior,
would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?"
"No," says mother superior, "I don't have any midget nuns here at the
convent."
"All right than, mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of
Ireland than?"
"No, no," replied mother superior, "I don't know of any nuns who are also
midgets in all of Ireland at all."
"Well than mother superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns,
would you be knowing, than, of any midget nuns?"
"No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" replied
mother superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?"
The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said "see, its as I
told you all along, you've been dating a Penguin."
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the
bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit
whore."
"Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. While he's drinking it, he looks around the bar
and see's that it is almost empty, except for a few other people and a barrel with a hole
in it. He asks the bartender what the barrel is for. The bartender responds, "Well
just go stick your penis in the hole there."
So, the guy goes and does this and comes back to the bartender and says, "Wow! That
was great!"
"Yup, and you can do that anytime you want now, except Thursday."
So, the guy asks, "Well, why not Thursday?"
"Well, that's going to be your day in the barrel."
Father Ryan is seated next to a rabbi on a flight from Shannon to NYC.
Flight attendant asks the good father, "Cocktail, sir?"
Infuriated, the good father responds, "I'd sooner commit adultery."
She asks the rabbi, "How about you, sir?"
Rabbi responds, "I'll have what he's having."
A California couple moves east to get away from the big earthquake.
Jan 24
5pm. It's starting to snow. The first of the season, and the first snow we've seen in
years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching
the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was
beautiful!
Jan. 25
We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the
first time in years, and loved it. I did both our driveway and sidewalk. Later, a snow
plow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the
street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled again.
Jan. 26
It snowed an additional five inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around
11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I
shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick
again. Much of the snow is brownish gray.
Jan. 27
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the
temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the
driveway. $145.00 to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Jan. 28
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a
guard rail and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter panel. Had
another 8 inches of the white shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud.
More shoveling in store for me today. That goddam snowplow came by twice today.
Jan. 29
8 degrees outside. More fuckin' snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been
damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with
candies and kerosene heater which tipped over and nearly burned our house down. I managed
to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyebrows
and eyelashes. Car slid on ice on way to emergency room and was totaled.
Jan. 30
Goddam mother fuckin' white shit keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we
own just to get to the fuckin' mailbox. If I ever catch the son of a bitch that drives the
snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the
corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street at about 100mph
and buries our driveway again! Power is still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has
started to cave in.
Jan. 31
6 goddam more fuckin' inches of fuckin' snow and fuckin' ice and god knows what other kind
of fuckin' white shit fell last night. I wounded the fuckin' snowplow asshole with my ice
ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow-blind. I can't
move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind-chill is 22 fuckin'
degrees below zero. To hell with it. I'm going back to California!
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