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13 Funny 14 What happened to Elvis?
Home
One night, after a
long evening of drinking. Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he
spotted a nun walking down the road. after looking at her twice he ran over and tackled
her, then proceeded to beat the living snot out of her. Some people passing by spotted
this and called the police.
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "Shoot, I
thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."
A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the
address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 365 East West Street. By
mistake, he went to 365 WEST East Street, the office of a podiatrist.
Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She
directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him
soon. He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting
aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the
doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead and found him sitting in the chair with his
generous member in his hand.
"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."
"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take
my business elsewhere."
Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one
for my best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your
buddy arrives to pour his?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket
here." With that he pulls out a little 3 inch man from hispocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some," the man retorted. So the
bartender poured the two shots.
Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he
walk?"
Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al,go fetch that
quarter."
The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down
and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says,
"what else can he do? Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks,
"Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were down in Africa on
safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"
There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the
guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another
drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go
late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I
found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return
home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab
driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the
gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end
to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door.
When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me
something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people.
I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will
see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you
a good meal."
So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner
says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal
right in."
The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you
should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."
Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common? A: Men usually miss
them.
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's
already one asshole in there."
Q: What do men and tile floors have in common? A: If you lay them well, you can walk on
them for years.
HIM:"Why can't I tell when you have an orgasm?" HER: "Because you're never
home when it happens."
Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? A: They were originally
intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.
Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? A: Because they won't stop to
ask directions.
Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his
hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him
from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Kathleen, " he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't
talk."
But he was insistent.
"Kathleen," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I
must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all
right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your
best friend, and your mother."
Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Patrick, don't
torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I
poisoned you?"
Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and
decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth
and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a
lady. Please forgive me."
The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was."
The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness
unless he did.
"Was it Mollie O'Grady ?" asked the Father.
"No."
"Was it Rosie Kelly?"
"No."
"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"
"No."
"Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven."
When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find
forgiveness."
"No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International
Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number,
we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead.
Wait for the beep.
Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I
call sooner!
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very
slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so
I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your
message, just hold it up to the phone.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not
need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity
through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave
your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After
the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if
I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and
then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't
come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.
(Direct approach:) "Who are you and what do you want?"
You are growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are
gradually losing your will power and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the
tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being
digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able
to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional
extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our
service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the
sound of the tone. Thank you.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say
will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're
doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it
left to right . . . real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our
teeth we'll get back to you.
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