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13 Funny 14 What happened to Elvis?
Game Home
A guy tells his
wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him,
give him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her.
The wive says, "I don't want to go hunting because its cold out, and I've never been
butt fucked before, so I think I'll go with the blowjob."
So she's down there doing her thing and suddenly she says,"your dick tastes like
shit!"
The guy says, "yeah, the dog didn't want to go hunting either."
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between
hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it
could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex
with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for
$500,000?"
The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with
her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?"
The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires,
but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive
and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same
thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he
staggered out.
"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"
"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out
for a jar of olives."
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for
a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come
down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up,
the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was
the sale for?"
Kid says, "$101,237.64."
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him
where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need
a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris
Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to
the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and
truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said,
'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
Father O'Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older
priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then
the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one
hand."
The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, I
understand and how did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your
knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around
the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from
around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of
us!"
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight,
the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand
against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:
"Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her
pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be,
dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for God sake tell him to take his hand
off the intercom..."
A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's
in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass
lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home
with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"
POOF! He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."
POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the
genie his third and last wish:
"I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF! He's back in his government office.
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters whenever
they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto
suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away
enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked
him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the
bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one.
"Whew," the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.
"Fifty cents."
What's the last thing to go through a bugs mind when he hits your windshield? His butt!
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into
the trip, one pries says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't
really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins."
They look nervously at each other but nod OK.
The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink.
Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a
few days. Get it out of my system."
They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts
"Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor
box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system."
The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin
is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and
spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system."
They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four
speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn."
He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate
gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year
scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told
you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like
this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah,
now that's the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He
stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think
that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This
stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"
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