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13 Funny 14 What happened to Elvis?
Game Home
A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waves
the waiter over.
"I want to see the cock-sucking, mother fucking boss NOW" he says.
The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies
"Excuse me sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language
in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can".
The manager comes over to the bloke and the bloke says
"Are you the mother fucking chicken manager of this bastard joint?"
"Yes sir I am" replies the manager, "but I would prefer you not
to use that kind of lanuage in this restaurant, as there are private
parties and clients entertaining in here".
The bloke replies "Fuck you anus features, where's the fuckin piano?"
The manager is a bit puzzled and asks the bloke to clarify the situation.
"Where's the fucking piano, are you fucking deaf or what, you smelly
stupid horse ridden shit?"
"Ah", says the manager, "You've come about the pianist job out of
the paper".
"Too fucking right I have" the bloke replies.
The manager tentatively takes the bloke over to the piano and begs
him not to speak into the microphone.
"Can you play any blues?" the manager asks.
The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard.
"Thats superb" gasps the manager, "What is it called?"
The bloke replies "I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the
springs keep hurting my cock end".
The manager is a bit disturbed.
"Oh, do you know any jazz?" asks the manager a bit perplexed.
The bloke plays the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever
heard.
"Absolutely magnificient" cries the manager, "What is it called?"
"I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the
powder drawer" replies the bloke.
The manager is a tad embarrassed at this one.
"Oh I say, do you know any romantic ballads?" asks the manager getting
flustered.
The bloke plays the most heartbreaking melody ever.
"That was marvellous, so moving" snivelled the manager. "What is that
one called?"
"Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy
ring piece" replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset at the blokes language but is so moved
by this music that he offers the bloke a job on the condition that
he does not introduce any of his songs. The bloke accepts.
The arrangement goes marvellous for a couple of weeks when one night
the bloke gets desperate for a wank. He leaves the dining room in
the restaurant and goes up to the staff toilets. Strangely enough,
there is a magazine stuffed behind the toilet seat. The bloke retrieves
the mag and discovers a good old wank mag. He naturally has a swift
chug and as he was shooting his load he heard the manager shouting
"Where the fuck is the pianist, has anyone seen him?"
The bloke whips up his trousers, returns to the restaurant and begins
playing some more tunes. After a couple of minutes a woman approaches
him and whispers "Do you know, your bollocks and knob are hanging
out of your trousers dribbling jiz all over your shoes?"
"Know it??? I fucking wrote it!"
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down,
measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the
goddamn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make
this a perfect shot."
"Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from
here!"
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and
stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!"
The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" T
he Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken."
The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this
it will calm your nerves."
The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to
tell the police?"
"Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them.
But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and
told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of
his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still
early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her
costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he
acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor,
dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss
there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his
partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let
him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to
one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away
and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not
there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met
Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all
evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume
to...."
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the
bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other
day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground,
by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the
trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for
me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down
in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis...
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped
out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to
screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .45
magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just
like it says in the book!"
A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar,
so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband
ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him,
then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink
this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying
myself every night!"
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his
wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at
each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened
the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other
hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their
marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her,
picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her
back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who
was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a
week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and
Thursdays."
Ponderables!!
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're a jerk.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the
passengers in his car.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
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