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13 Funny 14 What happened to Elvis?
Game Home
Two brothers
enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was
surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason
for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it
came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom
display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to
have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health
class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in
this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday,
and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these
for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for
Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a
12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for
Feb......
An Italian family was sitting at the dinner table when the father asks his oldest son
Tony!
"Why are you such a fat fuck?"
The son replies: "Pops, it's mom's pasta! I can't stop eating it."
The father says: "You should take smaller bites! It will make you trim."
Then the father asks the second son: "Anthony! Why are you such a fat Fuck?"
The son replies: "Pops, it's mom's pizza! I can't stop eating it it's so good!"
Papa says: "You should also take smaller bites. Ask your other brother Angelo how he
stays trim."
Angelo replies: "It's easy! I eat lots of pussy."
To which the father replies: "Pussy?! Pussy tastes like shit!"
To which Angelo replies: "Yo pops! You should take smaller bites!"
Good questions!
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become
disoriented?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
Which is the other side of the street?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Standing at the edge of the lake, a fisherman saw a woman flailing about in the deep
water. Another man was standing on the shore screaming for help. The fisherman ran over to
the man.
"Help!" the other man started, "I can't swim! My wife's drowning! I'll give
you $1000 if you save her!"
The fisherman jumps in the water, swims powerfully out to the drowning woman, puts his arm
around her, and swims back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman
coughs up water, then says, "[cough] ok, bud, where's my 'grand'?"
"But, this is my mother-in-law!"
The fisherman reaches into his pocket with a frown and says, "Just my luck. Ok, how
much do I owe you?"
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they
offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran
into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of
juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but nobody could do
it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester
suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I`d like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed
away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
The crowd`s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon
and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and
asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."
A rural couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only son to college. Once
there, he began to grown long sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee.
When his facial hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken and
mailed it home with a note that read: "Fascinating, no? Don't I perhaps look like a
count?"
"You idiot!" His father wrote back. "Here we are spending a fortune on your
education and you can't even SPELL!"
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and
cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes
looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and
the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a
leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too
badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and
he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I
would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out
golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods
and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and
asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your
money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a
hundred pound note" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex
life is?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a
week."
Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic
priest in a small parish."
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard."
She says, "Oh, yeah? My husband will kick your ass."
He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then
guzzle it all down."
She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but
real good."
She goes home to her husband and says, "A guy at the bar told me he was gonna make my
nipples hard."
He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk out the door. She grabs him by the arm, and
says, "He also said he was gonna turn me upside-down, pour beer into my pussy, and
then guzzle it all down."
Her husband turns around and walks back into the house.
She yells, "Where are you going?"
He says, "I ain't fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer."
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged
daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.After months
of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a
healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one
look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and
said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look
and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
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