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13 Funny 14 What happened to Elvis?
Game Home
A guy works a new
job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today.
I'm sick."
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I
can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the
work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem
getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the
problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every
weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure
she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another,
and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her."
The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air,
then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question,
and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out
but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after
hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being
informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young
man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him
to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped
and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought
the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned
to the father.
The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to
be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the
bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The
bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to
drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for
him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar
stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to
the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more
firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the
side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops
himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The
bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be
served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN!
How many bars do you work at?
A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. For an adventure, the father took his
son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the
elevator at one end of the lobby.
The boy asked, "What's that there, Paw?"
The father responded, "Well, Son, I reckon I never did see nothing like this in my
entire life. I got no derned idea what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a
wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the
lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the
circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous
24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go git your Maw."
On a flight from Shannon to New York Father Maguire finds himself seated
next to a rabbi who introduces himself as Rabbi Klein, who was returning
home to New York after a lovely vacation in Ireland.
Shortly after Father Maguire asks,
"Rabbi. Is it true that you people never eat pork?"
"Never," replies the rabbi.
"Surely, at some time in your life you must have tasted pork. Come on, now,
huh?"
"Well, Father, I guess since we're both in the same racket I can tell you.
Yes, I did stray once and ate pork."
"Ah, I thought so," says Father Maguire, a broad smile of satisfaction on
his rotund face.
"Now, Father," said the rabbi, "it's my turn. You guys are supposed to be
celibate, right?"
"Oh, dear God, yes. Absolutely."
"Ah, come on, man. I leveled with you. Was there ever a time you strayed?"
Sheepishly, Father Maguire says, "Well, truth to tell, there was a time,
yes. Once. Long time ago."
"I see," says the rabbi. "Beats the hell out of pork, don't you think?
This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little
boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the
little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."
A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have on of
those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the
little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."
Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery
ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000"
Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?"
"Yes," Says grandpa.
"Then go fuck yourself"
One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom, I have some
great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a
block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you.. Your mother
and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much
excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually
your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year
later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We are getting
married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news.
"Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this."
Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married", he
complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my
half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's
not really your father."
A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened
the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are
you doing?" asked the Mom.
"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married, so this
is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the
room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?!" he
asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will
never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the
vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football game.
"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and
watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him,
"Daddy, what's sex?"
So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.
He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc.
He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love......
>He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all is the
only way to tell truth.
The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her
father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know about sex?"
"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
A boy walks into the bathroom and catches his mom sitting on the bowl in her full glory.
He runs out to tell his father. He asks his father "What's that big gash between
mommy's legs?"
The father replies, "That's where I accidentally hit her with an axe!"
The boy replies "WOW, you got her right in the cunt!"
Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to his daddy's hunting
cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature honeymoon'...
He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his
ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been with a man b'fore."
"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head...
Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into his truck....
down the mountain.... straight to his parents house... rushes inside screaming "Hey
Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" .....
His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here?"
Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-Sue an I was
in the' cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed
outta there, an' lit back here... quick as I could!"
His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON, Ya done the
right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure as shit ain't
good'nuff fer ours!!"
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