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13 Funny 14 What happened to Elvis?
Game Home
Sherlock Holmes and
Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in
their tent for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up
at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo.
Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I
can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"Is that all?", Holmes asked.
"Yes." Watson replied. "Why, am I missing something?".
Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke: "Watson, you dickhead! Someone has stolen
the fucking tent!"
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent
flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike
asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and
experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian
strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member-about half an inch long and just a quarter
inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With
each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member
grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they
walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about
you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache. . .she kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
Three guys working on a high rise building project, Steve, Bill and Charlie.Steve falls
off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says,"
Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bill says," OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.
Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me." Charlie.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the
beer."
Bill says," Well not exactly, I said to her, when she answered the door, "You
must be Steve's widow." She said, 'No, I'm not a widow' and I said ' Wanna bet me a
6-pack?' "
This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well, Son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the
family, so let's call me Captilism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so
we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you
the people. The nanny, we'll call her the working class, and your baby brother we'll call
the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has
severly soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his
mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the
door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives
up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understandstand
the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, Son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
about."
The little boy replies. "Well, while Captilism is screwing the working class, the
government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the future is in deep
shit."
Moments when saying nothing might have worked out better...
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is
why I would not live forever.
*Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
*Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
*Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but
cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and
stuff.
*Mariah Carey, pop singer
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the
president." *Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
*Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party Convention
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
*Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
*Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
*Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
Half this game is ninety percent mental.
*Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
Ever since I was a kid, I've always been a real deep thinker and stuff.
*Billy Ray Cyrus
They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
*Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly
$1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers
It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
*Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't
study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
*Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and
water that are doing it.
*Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
*Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
*Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is
extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
*Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jack ass, and I'm just the one
to do it.
*A congressional candidate in Texas
Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
*General William Westmoreland, during the war in Vietnam
The Top 9 Sexual Jokes
Number nine:
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the
front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes
into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I
know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
Number eight:
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the
bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."
Number seven:
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual
statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish
men have the biggest average diameter.. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He cooly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."
Number six:
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder
and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got
a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back
over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Number five:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he
came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge
to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed
to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home early. His wife could see at once that something
was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into
the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Number four:
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On
this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing
this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good
sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. The doctor then suggests
the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act
and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five
minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."
Number three:
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the
bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth
and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you
will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and
placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd
gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the
top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as
promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to
give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman
timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer
bottle".
Number two:
A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to
him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds,
20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints!
The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and
asks the small guy. "What's wrong?"
The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left
ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"
Number one:
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one
morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been
married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at
this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal!
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey,
"You have presented absolutely no evidence to this court supporting your claim that
your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I never said she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy."
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