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Funny 1 Funny 2 Funny 3 Funny 4 Funny 5
Funny 6 Funny 7 Funny 8 Funny 9 Funny 10 Funny 11
Funny 12 Funny 13 Funny 14 What happened to Elvis?
Game Home
Once there were a
chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard. Suddenly the horse falls into a
mud-pit!
He yells out to the chicken: "HELP, HELP!!! Go get the farmer, save me, save
me!!!"
The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him. So he gets the farmer's BMW
and drives it over to the mud-pit, lasso's the horse, ties it to the car and pulls him
out.
The horse says "Thank you! Thank you! I owe you my life, chicken...
A couple of days later they are playing there again. But this time the chicken falls into
the mud-pit and calls out to the horse: Help me, help me!!!! Go get the farmer!!! But the
horse says, There's no time!!! But I think I can reach you, hold on!
The horse stretches it's 4 legs across the mud-pit and yells at the chicken, "Grab
onto my dick!!!!!" The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back and saves the
chicken's life ......
So!!!!! Whats the moral to the story????????
If you have a dick the size of a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
3 mice were in a bar gettin drunk! they were sittin around discussing which one of them
was the toughest mouse.
The first mouse said " when I find a mouse trap, I lye on my back, trip the trap with
my back legs, when the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, then I bench press it 20
times to work up an appetite then I eat the cheese!
Second mouse says: " thats nothin! When i find some mouse poison, i pound it into a
fine powder and mix a little in my coffee every mornin to get a good buzz to start off the
day! The first and second mice turn to the third mouse and ask him what makes him so
tough.
The third mouse says: "I dont have time for this bullshit! I gotta get home and fuck
the cat!"
A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus
is watching you".
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said
"Jesus is watching you".
He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was
the one talking and the parrot said yes. He asked the parrot what his name was and the
parrot said Moses.
The burglar asked..."what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot said, "the kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a
whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father
many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air
holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the
whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's
swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he
realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse
to swallow the seamen."
There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty
and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home
'til I've been laid!!"
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."
10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...
Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the
bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??" No answer,
so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs
spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.
"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.
"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find
the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"
Father Flannigan, an elderly priest invited Father O'Connell, a younger
priest from a neighboring parish who was fresh from the seminary, over for
dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how
attractive and shapely the house keeper was. Over the course of the evening
he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the
housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my
housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said,
"Father Flannigan, ever since the Father O'Connell came to dinner, I've
been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose
he took it do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter
just sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Father O'Connell
I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation at dinner the other night and hope we
have the opportunity to do so again.
On another matter. We had a beautiful silver ladle which was a gift from a
parishioner that comes to visit from time to time. The ladle has come up
missing and I would be very embarrassed to invite her over and she notice
the missing ladle. It is very important that it be found.
Now, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and
I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that it has been missing ever since you were here."
Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young
priest which read:
"Dear Father Flannigan,
I also enjoyed our dinner and conversation and hope note only that we do so
again, but also that I be permitted to return the favor.
On the other matter. Now, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your
housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your
housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own
bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
A woman goes to a zoo, and while there was watching the monkeys. A zoo attendant throws a
box of fruit into the cage and all the monkeys scurried to get their share.
One particular monkey grabbed a banana and climbed up on a limb and carefully peeled it.
The monkey then stuck the banana up his rectum and pulled it out and ate it.
The poor woman who witnessed this was absolutely disgusted! She immediately went to the
zoo manager to complain about the dirty monkey.
After explaining what the monkey did, the zoo manager said, "We have a perfectly good
explanation for that ma'am."
"Well, I would like to hear it then! I cannot imagine any excuse for that kind of
behavior!", exclaimed the woman.
"Last week the attendant threw a box of fruit into the cage and the same monkey
grabbed a peach. ...The monkey ate it so fast he swallowed the pit."
"I don't understand", demanded the angry woman.
"Well, you see the monkey had so much trouble passing the pit, now he sizes
everything before he eats it!"
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The
bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says
"Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a
problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home
a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having
sex with her."
The bartender says " Geez, what did you say."
" I told him, BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!".
It seems one day, Cathy comes home from work a bit early. She comes throught the door with
her arms full of groceries. As usual she is met by her her K-9 pal, Butch- a 175 pound
Great Dane. But this time her home coming was different. The horrific events that followed
prompted Cathy and Butch to take a visit with their local vet later that week...
"Doctor... this is terrible. Last Monday I came home and as I walked in the door
Butch attacked me. He knocked me to the floor and tugged away at my clothes. I was shocked
when I felt him using his paws to tear off my panties. Then Butch got on top of me... Oh,
Doctor...he placed himself deep inside me and started going to town. Oh God... there I was
on the floor looking up at him... his big hairy face and fangs. A few minutes later it was
over and Butch just walked away like nothing had happened. I got off the floor- shaken and
confused...my body scratched from head to toe."
"I was sure this was an isolated incident doctor, but it happened again on Tuesday
and there was a repeat performance yesterday afternoon. Oh, please doctor... is there
anything you can do...?"
The doctor contemplated the situation for a moment and devised a plan. "Well, Cathy,
we'll start by putting Butch on Prozac... this should alter his behavior in a positive
way. Additionally I would strongly advise you consider having Butch's testicles removed...
this will certainly curb his sex drive and eliminate such attacks in the future."
"Oh God",... Cathy said tearfully... "that all sounds so harsh... isn't
there anything less drastic that we could try? I was just hoping you would brush his teeth
and trim his nails..."
A little old lady went into a bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she
must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a
lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into
the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her
how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,
"Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this
money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are
square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that
kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not
square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may
I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of
a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly
checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square
and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at
the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:
"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so
they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his
balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess
you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The
president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have the
bank president's balls in my hand."
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for
a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas.
"Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll
come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up,
the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was
the sale for?"
Kid says, "$101,237.64."
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him
where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need
a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris
Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to
the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and
truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said,
'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a new Jeep Grand
Cherokee flashes out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit,
Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asks our
shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you
give me one'?"
The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers,
"Why not?"
The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell phone, surfs to a
NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the
area, and opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets, with complex formulas.
Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer, turns
around to our shepherd, and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep!"
"That's correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the shepherd.
The shepherd watches, as the yuppie makes a selection and bundles it into hisGrand
Cherokee. Then, the shepherd says to the yuppie, "If I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me my sheep back?"
"Why not?" answers the smart young man.
"You are a consultant," says the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "But how did you guess that?"
"It was easy. You turn up here, although nobody called you. You want to be paid for
the answer to a question, to which I already knew the solution. And you don't know sh--
about my business, because you took my dog."
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