|
|
Funny 1 Funny
2 Funny 3 Funny
4 Funny 5
Funny 6 Funny
7 Funny 8 Funny 9 Funny 10 Funny
11
Funny 12 Funny
13 Funny 14 What happened to Elvis?
Game Home
Three nuns walked
into a bar and asked for a bottle of brandy to go.
The bartender:"I can't sell you brandy -- you're nuns!"
The oldest nun answered: "It's alright, son. It's for medicinal purposes. Mother
Superior has constipation."
"Well, I guess it's alright then," said the bartender and sold them a bottle of
brandy.
A few hours later when he was closing the bar, he heard laughing and singing in the alley,
so he went over to investigate. Lo and behold, there were the same three nuns -- drunk!
The bartender got angry.
"I thought you said that brandy was for Mother Superior's constipation!"
"Oh, it is," said the one nun. "She's gonna shit when she sees us!"
A man is walking down the street and he sees a boy riding a wagon. The boy has his dog
pulling it with a rope attached to the dogs balls.
The man says: "You know if you tied it around his neck, it would go faster."
The boy replies,"I know but then I wouldn't get the cool siren."
A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow,
put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender
picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket.
Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing
a bit of fast thinking he said,
"Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini,
gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."
Things you'll never hear a Dad say...
Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates.
Won't that be fun?
I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude....I like
that.
Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a
party.
Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies
-- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay
whatever he asks.
No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring, now quit your
belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
Whadd ya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that --it's no big deal.
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
Corona's president sits down and says, "Seņor, I would like the world's best beer, a
Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The
King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with
Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery
presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and
the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will
I."
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. While chatting with the bartender the man says:
"I have a method that will enable you to double the amount of beer you sell every
day."
"Really?!" says the bartender, "How?"
"Very simple. Just pour full glasses."
While out riding one day a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and
began a conversation.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: Look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at Indian.
Dog:: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the
lake once a week to play."
Indian: Look of total disbelief
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: Extreme look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian
Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often,
and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian: Total look of utter amazement
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices his oil-pressure light is
on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor, so he stops at the first
gas station.
While waiting for the car to be repaired, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees
an ice-cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would
really hit the spot. He sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to
eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if
he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a
seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized
that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the
clerk.
"I want to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00.
Would you like to see it?"
"$50.00?? For a frog??" asked the woman.
"It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs."
Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a heck of
a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that
again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained
the strange gift. Of course, the husband was abit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it
out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give
another blow job. Around 2am she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the
kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her
husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through
cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the
woman.
The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass
is out of here!"
Pat and Mike were lifelong friends and unfortunately Pat passed away unexpectedly. Mike
was so devastated by the passing of his friend that he too died.
Due to the fact that they were so close, their widows decided to bury them in a single
ceremony. When their widows were making arrangements for their burials, Pat's wife
instructed the funeral director to dress Pat in his brown suit and Mike's wife instructed
him to dress Mike in his blue suit.
Just minutes prior to beginning of the wake the wives wanted to make sure the director had
followed their orders, and much to their dismay, they discovered that Pat was in a blue
suit and Mike was in a brown suit.
They expressed their displeasure to the director and demanded the situation be corrected
immediately. The director told them that he would take care of it but needed five minutes.
In less than the prescribed time, the director called the widows back into the room and
showed them Pat in his brown suit and Mike in his blue suit. The widows were surprised at
the fact that the director could manage this feat in such a short period of time and were
thanking him for his help.
The director said "It really wasn't much of a problem. I just switched their
heads"
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men. (Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach,
DE)
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" its "Hi, how are you?" (Rest
stop off Route 81, West Virginia)
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her
shit. (Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC)
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with
it. (Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX)
Express Lane: Five beers or more (Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Beverly
Hills)
You're too good for him. (Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly
Hills)
No wonder you always go home alone. (Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's,
Beverly Hills)
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. (Women's restroom,
Murphy's, Champaign, IL)
If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is
in Washington. ( Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, WA)
Beauty is only a light switch away. (Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC)
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted
together and have the time of our lives. (Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.)
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. (Men's restroom, Murphy's,
Champaign, IL)
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. (Men's restroom,
Lynagh's, Lexington, KY)
|
|
|